Always in my heart...

... I am dedicating this post to a special person. Some of you reading this already know and are friends with him, but his name is Max Vogl...a great guy, friend, and person all around. We've been buds since high school, and even though we went to different colleges and had different schedules, we'd still make an effort to catch up every now and then. 

Today while I was at my internship, I received a message from one of my best girl friends telling me that Max had died today. He has had epilepsy for a few years now, and apparently he had been found after having a seizure, one which proved to be fatal.

I couldn't believe what I was reading, my heart dropped to my stomach and my chin fell to my keyboard. I ran outside of my building and tried desperately to call Jamie, then my mom. It didn't work. I couldn't respond to her message because it was through facebook, which I can't access at work. And I didn't have her e-mail address handy.

For the first time since I've been here, I felt so isolated... like I was in a bubble as the city whizzed all around me. I feel absolutely horrible and guilty for being a world away from everyone at home. I don't want to laugh, explore, go to work, attend class, take trips, or anything right now... because I know that he can't anymore.  I wondered when the last time was that I talked to him, tried to recall exactly what was said, etc. I can't believe I'll never see his smiling face again. 

I held it together through the rest of the work day, for I don't really know my co-workers, didn't want to cause a scene, and still had a glimpse of hope that the message was all a lie. 

When I got off work, I finally got through and reached my mom via cell phone. I told her about it and lost it. The first time I've cried in the month and a half since I've been here.. the people at the train station probably thought I was nuts.. but I didn't care. I will never see Max again. And I can't go to his funeral to see him one last time. Australia isn't so appealing anymore.

I just want to tell any of my A-town friends that are reading this that I am really sorry that I can't be home with you guys. I want to grab you all and hold you for days. This loss is HUGE. He was SUCH an awesome guy, all around! And I hate the fact that I am talking about him in past tense. I will think about him, his family, Briana, and all of you every day, no matter how far away I am. I am just as shocked as all of you... and most importantly, I love you.

To my other friends and family that are reading this, I cannot stress enough how great Max was. And also, I love you. I should tell you that more often. One of my worst fears was to lose someone I loved while being here, knowing that I would never be able to afford to make it back to see them one last time. I would recommend being careful, cautious, taking care of yourself, etc... but clearly that doesn't matter. By the sounds of it, Max couldn't avoid the fate that became of him. But even still, I do want you all to be happy, healthy and prosperous for as long as you are able. Because I suppose that is the best you can do with the uncertain amount of time you have been given.